Sub par conversation II

This is uncomfortably honest for me, but I hope you relate to it. Let me know.

Poem 191 of 365 –

Lately things have felt so distant
We used to be close; I’ve missed it.
I think –
No,
I know it’s my fault.
Because you’re flawless
And that’s the reason I wish you saw less
Of me.
I’m so far from perfect
And I hate having to tell you that I’m the furthest
From it
Over and over again.

Because I don’t want to confess
I begin to see you less
And then every action becomes a test –
Am I better than all the rest?
Comparison leads to insecurity
I’d cry for help
But I don’t think you’d want to hear from me
If I’m so far from your standard of purity
If all I do is beg for favours
You’re going to think, “Why did I save her?
All she does is take from me
She takes advantage of what I give abundantly
But she doesn’t see the sign
That says ‘Perfect People Only’
I guess she isn’t mine
If she can’t be holy.”

I’m sorry.
I know that’s really messed up.
I’m blaming you for my fears
And making nonsense up.
The only one who requires perfection 
From me
The only one who’d give rejection 
To me
Is me.
I treat myself like a vile infection
Not good enough despite divine election
Why shortchange myself in deception
When your mercy calls without exception?

I’m coming back to apologize
Today, tomorrow, every day I’m alive
Because you’re worth more
Than nursing my injured pride.

~ Essie